The Retreat

This post takes me back in time to a little over 11 years ago. I must have been sixteen years old then.

First of all, I have to credit my mother for throwing me in bizarre life experiences from a very early age. As much as we disagree to agree on things very often, she has played a pivotal role in what I turned out to be. The independent, the obstinate, the adventurous, the neurotic, the creative, the paranoid, the empathetic - all these traits of mine can traced to her in more ways than one.

While most children after finishing their Ordinary Level exams go on holidays or get extra time to watch TV until the results came, my mother packed me off on a 10-day meditation retreat. There was going to be no communication with the world outside (even with family) for 10 days after the retreat started. I don't know how she did it, but she even managed to convince parents of four other friends of mine to send their children off to the same place.

So off we went with bags packed. There was some comfort in knowing we had each other. On the evening before Day 1 started, we were given the briefing. Having 'agreed' to giving a fair chance to this technique for the next 10 days, we were advised on rules to be strictly followed during our time there:

1. Noble silence. Seriously. No talking with anyone, except with a teacher or the management for important matters.
2. No intentional killing of animals (including pests) or any other living organisms, no stealing things, no sexual activity, no lying, no consumption of alcohol or smoking.
3. Food is purely vegetarian and there is no dinner (except for first-timers and people with health concerns).
4. No use of phones or computers. No reading, writing or other forms of entertainment.
5. No make up, fancy jewelry, strong perfumes, etc. Wear simple, comfortable and decent clothes.
6. Agree to follow instructions given by the teachers and not do your own thing as this defeats the purpose of coming here.
7. Discontinue any religious rituals, exercise routines or other meditation techniques for these 10 days in order to give a fair trial to the technique.
8. No physical contact with anyone and there will be segregation of the sexes.
9. Do your own laundry by hand.

The daily timetable was as follows:

4:00 am                - Morning bell (No hiding under bed sheets, they will fish you out. Believe me, I tried)
4:30-6:30 am        - Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am        - Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am        - Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am      - Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon  - Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm    - Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm        - Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm        - Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm        - Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm        - Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm        - Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm        - Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm        - Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm        - Question time in the hall
9:30 pm                - Retire to your own room

The place was absolutely beautiful, perched high up on a hill, surrounded by cloudy mountains, close to nature with clean air to breathe and far from the disturbances of civilization. Rooms were comfortable with all basic amenities. The food was healthy and delicious (okay, I'll admit meal times were a favourite time of the day for me) and everything was managed by volunteers who quietly made sure we had everything we needed to carry on with our tasks. There were participants both male and female, from all walks of life, from all corners of the globe. The course didn't demand any cash payment for instructions, food or facilities - donations of any proportion were welcome though. The funding for these courses came from such donations and helping staff were those who volunteered their time after passing similar retreats themselves as students.

The meditation technique itself was nothing too complex or religious, it was mostly breathing exercises followed by Vipassana. The first few days were utterly and purely horrifying. The schedule was extremely rigorous. 10 hours of the day were to be spent in quiet meditation. Bodily pains were sometimes unbearable. I heard and lived with the loud thoughts in my head for most of the day. Waking up at 4:00am and hearing that blasted gong, I wanted to cry when I knew I could not roll back to sleep. The ultimate battle with the mind (and body) began - trying to focus on breathing was not easy as it sounds. Close to meal times, I was plagued with thoughts like "Hmm, I wonder what's for lunch today.." and waited impatiently for the bell to go off which signaled that the dining hall lay ready for us. Some days, I got greedy, ate too much and paid the price while trying to sit and focus in discomfort. A huge percentage of participants looked like they wanted to run away. Few even did and we noticed their empty seats!

In the first two days, all five of us cracked down under pressure to adjust to the routine while trying to keep silent. In fact, we managed to speak a little and secretly exchanged letters because we didn't want to go crazy over the silence. It wasn't easy writing, reading or even exchanging letters unseen to other meditators. But we got very creative at doing this. Letters pouring with emotions, frustrations and gossip about block-mates and fellow meditators were very discreetly exchanged while passing each other in corridors or left in the crevice of a special tree for drop off and pick up. Afterwards, these were read in toilets and rooms when no one was around. There were lots of interesting sentiments shared. Like one of them had to share a room with an old woman who farted and burped a lot and all her clothes and sheets smelled bad. She also told us how she dreamt that Iraq finally found Darth Vader's planet and she was informed about it. Another told of how she was horrified when one of her block mates stripped down naked when changing. In the dining hall was a white board with the list of all participants and we tried to guess which names belonged to which faces. We also tried to guess which ones were couples by observing body language of female and male participants during meal times, where they dined in close proximity. Someone in my block kept a stash of biscuits with her for emergencies and this was attacked by a big rat on the second day (Hah! the irony. We were not supposed to be snacking at odd times). For me, I happened to see the first ever G-string drying on a clothes line in my block and I was quite bewildered by it. Sometimes, it was hard not to giggle when we passed by each other. What was certain was that we were highly distracted and agitated.

We didn't get too far with all that, however. We were caught and given a strict warning by the teachers.

And that warning stuck. Embarrassed and feeling weak-willed, each one of us, one by one got serious and followed through till the end of the course. For the rest of the days, we barely looked at each other or spoke. The routine got easier to manage. Under the guidance of the teachers, there was serious work to be done individually. There were interesting self-discoveries made. There were lots of observations made, even when not meditating. The rules that once seemed strict, helped minimise distractions and disturbances to all meditators. As the retreat drew to an end, everyone felt happy and calm here. There was even a slight sense of dread about going back home to chaos.

On the 10th day, the silence was finally lifted off. It was as if we had forgotten to speak or rather, had too much to tell but didn't know where to start! Everyone seemed so happy for various reasons - braving through the retreat, having experienced significant changes in their attitudes, being able to finally talk and wanting to share the experiences. We finally got to speak to the people we only watched for 10 days. It was as if we had known each other for a very long time. It's quite hard to put into words the spirit that engulfed the air that day.

Looking back, it was a like a boot camp that required much trust in the retreat, patience, determination, effort and strength of mind. The transformation and sharpness of mind experienced at the end of the retreat was phenomenal. So was the joy in being able to manage the ups and downs in life calmly and finding more meaningful pursuits in life later on. Of course, we were warned that this effect would only last only as long as we remained mindful of our thoughts and actions, i.e. continue to practice. And true enough as time went on, most of us got caught up in the usual mode of life, neglected on regular practice and most of the old habits, attitudes, thought patterns and perspectives crept back into the personality. We occasionally talk about how nice it would be to go on a retreat again as it is similar to a 'detox' and some un-cluttering every now and then would be ideal. But it is not easy to spend that many days on a retreat with the demands of a job, especially with limited annual leave. 

After this interesting experience, the five of us have remained a very special gang of friends and continue to organise 'conferences' on Skype when we agree on a convenient time that suits five countries in three continents - United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Sri Lanka and Singapore. The past 11+ years have seen us go through so much change. Yet, a conversation with them today feels not much different to one we had back in our school days. We rarely speak of meditation or philosophies now but mostly love to catch up, gossip and support each other in tough times.

What prompted me to write this blog was recently, one of them scanned and sent the rest of us a few of the letters we exchanged back then. Oh, it was gold.